theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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