Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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