But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
