I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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