I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
