I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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