I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Randomize
