put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
is it fun? or sober?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
