I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
