she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
