Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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