I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
