How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
