I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
