i don't like sucking hair
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
