Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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