Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
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