drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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