Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
