Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
