just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
