U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
