When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
