If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
