It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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