I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
