1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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