Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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