I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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