Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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