dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Everclear isn't food dammit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
