You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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