I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
