My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I want a musical about memes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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