The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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