I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you inspire me to be a worse person
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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