I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
