I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
