I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
