So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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