someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
