So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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