It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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