good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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