I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
