Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
