grandma shit on top of the toilet
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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