That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
