he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
