am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
do nipples grow back?
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