Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
