Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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