After last night, I could never be a politician.
one might say we're banned from that church
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
