How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
